I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
