I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
