Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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