I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
