who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
