you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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