Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
