he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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