the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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