i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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