We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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