While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
