I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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