I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
