we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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