i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
