I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
