Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
