My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
