If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Welp...herpes.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
