The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
