How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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