just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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