i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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