umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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