I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
