i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
