You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
