I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
