Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
