Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
