I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
