They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
