Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
