No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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