this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
