i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
