I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
