All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
