My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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