I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
