I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
