One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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