M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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