so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
