i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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