Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
