I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
