you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
