Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
