Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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